Thoughts
by Jaclyn Parker
Summary: Deanna’s thoughts after the kiss in her office in Insurrection.


**Disclaimer-** The wonderful characters of Star Trek: The Next Generation do not belong to me...that was depressing to admit. No infringement intended so please don't sue me. On the other hand any other characters you run across and don't sound familiar are probably mine so you can sue all you want about them, but you won't see a penny.  
  
Note: I would really love feedback. It's my one and only first person POV. Thanks and Happy reading!

"Thoughts"  
By Jaclyn Riker

* * *

Sighing, I take a sip of the hot chocolate that is warming my trembling hands as I watch the stars pass by. Out of the corner of my eye I see Beverly enter Ten-Forward and turn my head to watch her. She is so distracted by her thoughts she doesn't see me and takes a seat at the bar area. I watch her order a drink and then when it arrives, watch her just stare at the pink liquid. I sigh again, feeling the pain and confusion of the woman who is like my sister. But I don't go over to her. I can also feel that she wants to be alone and I know that feeling better than anyone. Moments later she leaves and I look back at the twinkling orbs through the window. It is almost ironic. The way the Briar Patch has pushed the captain and Beverly apart, yet is helping push Will and I back towards each other.  
  
Will...  
  
Just thinking his name makes the goose bumps that I have just gotten rid of return full force. I am sure that if I choose this moment to look into a mirror, I would see a stupid little grin on my face. My thoughts drift back to a short hour ago, when Will playfully entered my office.   
  
It had been a long time since we teased each other like that. And then it had happened. He kissed me. In that instant, a thousands different thoughts and emotions entered my mind, but one settled into my heart.  
  
It had been too long since we did this.  
  
I pushed him away seconds later, telling him his beard bothered me, but in a teasing tone so he wouldn't be hurt. He wasn't and when my doors closed, he had that same stupid grin on my face that I know I wore then and still do now. I must have looked a little smug to him when the doors shut, but what he doesn't know is that a moment later it hit me again, that our lips had touched in a lover's fashion and my knees buckled. I sank down to the floor and after a moment of stunned silence, I began to giggle.  
  
I, Deanna Troi, giggled like a schoolgirl, but as soon as my fit was over I began to think seriously.  
  
Was I ready for what that kiss had just started? Was I ready to trust my heart to the man that had broken it worse than it had ever been before? I had forgiven him a long time ago, but I was ready to forget and start anew? Was I ready to change my relationship with the person I considered my best friend and confidant to the point that if something goes wrong we'd never get back what we have now?  
  
I was about to get up and go tell him that what we had just done was wrong, when other questions entered my head.  
  
Do I really never want feel his lips on mine again in that way? Do I really want to let him go so he could seek another woman again? Do I really want to look into those crystal blue eyes and see devastation and know I caused it? Do I really want to give up on my dreams for the future with the one man I had loved completely my entire life? Do I really want to say goodbye to my Imzadi?  
  
I jumped to my feet and glared at nothing in particular.  
  
"Say goodbye to my Imzadi? I don't think so!" I said aloud and quickly sent out a communication to him. As soon as it was sent I stood straight up with a satisfied smile on my face and a slight flutter in my stomach. Now I had only to wait.  
  
A loud sound pulls me out of my thoughts and I turn to see a group of ensigns laughing at a card trick one of them has just done. A small smile graces my lips and then my eyes fly to the chronometer over the bar. Seeing the time, I stand and leave the loud room to head for the turbo lift. Pausing in the hallway I discretely ask for the location of Commander Riker.  
  
Commander Riker has just entered holodeck 4  
  
The smile on my face spreads and I resume my course. I know what I want, for the first time in a long time and now it is his turn. I can feel his excitement and anticipation, making me shiver slightly. Riding up in the turbo lift, the most inane thoughts enter my head.  
  
Did I make the water too hot? Will there be enough bubbles? Will there be enough time to do what I want to do? Will he understand the meaning of what I want to do?  
  
The thoughts end at the holodeck door and taking a deep breath I open them up. My fears dissipate when I see the grin of utter love from him and I step forward, letting the doors slide close behind. I now know two things:  
  
I really want him and I am finally ready.

THE END 


End file.
